"How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack, by Chuck Sambuchino

Recently I interviewed author Chuck Sambuchino, whose new book, "How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack", will be released on September 7, 2010. (personal note: I've read the book and found it very funny.)

Churck, what prompted you to write this book; have you or anyone you know ever experienced a household assault by garden gnomes? Answer: Thankfully, due to (my family's) preparedness (some would call it "ridiculous paranoia"), attacks have been kept to a minimum. We would not have been so lucky were we not so cautious.

I'm curious: Why do garden gnomes want to get rid of humans? Are they intrinsically evil; do they want to take over our homes? Why can't they just build their own? Answer: One theory is that they want our tools and metal; another is that they need our spices for potions and food. But the bottom line is that they're just plain evil. People need to stop thinking about the "why" and start thinking about "how can I destory them before they destroy me".

After hearing about building a moat around the house to protect us from GG's, my teenager is eager to start digging. How wide/deep should the moat be? And couldn't gnomes make boats out of pieces of bark, etc.? Answer: I'd say it should be at least three feet wide, two feet deep. Yes, gnomes may use a mushroom-top raft to try and cross the moat; watch for that. They may also use twigs or branches to form a crude bridge. One thing gnomeowners are usually not prepared for is the sudden change in weather, like when the top layer of you moat freezes and a usable land-bridge suddenly makes you vulnerable.

If we create a moat, I'm concerned about how our cat will get to and from our house on her daily excursions. Is it possible to build a cat-walk, so to speak? Can GG's climb? Answer: I'd say the days of your cat enjoying safe, leisurely walks are over. The cat was no doubt a high-risk target in the first place. Garden gnomes have been known to climb and even sling-shot themselves.

Speaking of pets, you mention in your book possible dangers to them from GG's. We have a red heeler who is very eager to guard us and our house but has more enthusiasm than sense. How do we protect her from gnomes? Answer: Now that I'm back from Wikipedia and know that a red heeler is a medium-sized herding dog, I'd say your are in luck because a guard dog is one of the best precautions to ward of attacks. To protect your pooch, just don't let her drink anything from outside (in case of gnome poisoning) and don't let her leave the backyard and go into the woods.

In your book, you have a lot of photographs of gnomes doing sneaky things. Do all of these gnomes live on your own property? If so, aren't you very afraid? Answer: They live near me; those photos were taken someplace else by the bravest photographer known to man. We made our photographer sign about 50 waivers.

Have you written other books? What are you currently writing? Answer: I stay busy being the editor of an annual book called "Guide to Literary Agents" (guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog), a resource which helps people who have written a book find reprsentation and get their work published. (The updated 2011 edition came out in August 2010). I'm also the author of a book called "Formatting & Submitting Your Manuscript, 3rd Ed." (2009), which helps writers know how their work should look and how to submit it to agents/editors.

Note from Kathleen: Chuck Sambuchino also runs a large blog on publishing, www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog. I subscribe to it, and it's been a great resource. Chuck is also a "magazine freelancer, playwright, husband, owner of a flabby dog, cover band guitarist, and all-around chocolate chip cookie fiend."